Okay.
It's time.
I've given myself way too long.
I have kept myself from progressing
I haven't wanted to be better
I had to much shame,
too much hurt
I failed
I didn't want to try
I forgot who I was
I forgot who I wanted to be.
I'm still fearful of what may come.
But I have learned once
Fear and Hope cannot coexist
My hope will be stronger than my fear.
And i will be strong and ready to fight
Once the dark night comes near
I will be a warrior
and i will win!
because I will fight my battle on my knees
Monday, November 19, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Taking the First Step - Again.
I've been having a rough time recently. I don't want this post to be negative but it might just be. I just have been feeling very sluggish these past two weeks. I hate to admit it but i relapsed. And i have hardly any motivation to get back up and start moving forward. I know these thoughts and feelings are from the adversary, And its hard for me to not believe them. I read over this post from my dear friends recovery blog about lies Satan tells me. All i have been hearing are lies like this..
- Your not good enough for your calling,
- You need to tell your bishop to release you.
- You will never be free from this
- You are happier when you use
- You dont need to pray
- You're prayers wont be sincere
So when all these thoughts are going through my head constantly its really hard to see the truth because i get so focused on these lies. And the funny/sad thing is i know they are lies! I know that all negative thoughts come from Satan just like Gordon B. Hinckley counsels: (also grabbed this from Bythelightofgrace.com)
- Your not good enough for your calling,
- You need to tell your bishop to release you.
- You will never be free from this
- You are happier when you use
- You dont need to pray
- You're prayers wont be sincere
So when all these thoughts are going through my head constantly its really hard to see the truth because i get so focused on these lies. And the funny/sad thing is i know they are lies! I know that all negative thoughts come from Satan just like Gordon B. Hinckley counsels: (also grabbed this from Bythelightofgrace.com)
How do we know the things of the Spirit? How do we know that it is from God? By the fruits of it. If it leads to growth and development, if it leads to faith and testimony, if it leads to a better way of doing things, if it leads to godliness, then it is of God. If it tears us down, if it brings us into darkness, if it confuses us and worries us, if it leads to faithlessness, then it is of the devil.I have been isolating and i haven't wanted to be better these past couple of weeks. But i feel its time to get back up and take the first step again. Because i am not happy and I know how i can be happy again.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Bully Me No More!
I am still very very new to this whole being sober shin-dig. And to be honest i'm have two sets of feelings and i'm sure everyone goes through this when they are detoxing. I have had so much temptation to give into my addiction, But my drive to be closer to my Father has had much more power.
I catch myself thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about and my action and desire to stop and call on my Savior has become easier. There have been many days that I have been hating myself, hating life, and wanting to give up and go back into my my old ways. But I have had my eyes opened, and i know that those thoughts and feelings that creep into my head have Satan written all over it. Heavenly Father would never want me to feel those hateful feelings toward myself and toward anyone else. He is full of joy and love and that's all He wants me for me.
This past evening I was seriously being attached by Satan. I was having the hardest time getting away from it. I was calling for my Savior, it felt like every 5 minutes. I had to then take action because what I was doing would just keep the fight going back and forth. I got up out of bed, it was late but the Spirit was telling me to "get up, and go make some food!" so that's what I did. This little action of removing myself from this fight was actually me winning the fight! because I had the courage to ask my Savior what to do and was able walk away from a scary situation.
As the morning hit I woke with gratitude in my heart. He helped me get to bed safely. As the morning went on I then started to feel really down yet again. So just like I do with my Heavenly Father regularly, I had a conversation with the Devil (well more like me telling him whats up!). I told Him.. "You leave me alone I don't want you here in my home, in my room in the late hours or in any hours. And if you try to come in here again and try to take my happiness way from me, Well buddy! that wont happen, try all you want but I know I will win every time, you know why!? Because I have my Heavenly Father on my side and he will always win!!!" this little conversation i had with Satan felt so good. I was able to get me true feelings out to the one bully I felt i never could.
I know he will be back in my home I know he will be back in my head trying to convince me to give in. I have had enough of it. I don't want to give into something that will take this happiness and true love away from me. Whoever wants to take something so great does not deserve my time.
I catch myself thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about and my action and desire to stop and call on my Savior has become easier. There have been many days that I have been hating myself, hating life, and wanting to give up and go back into my my old ways. But I have had my eyes opened, and i know that those thoughts and feelings that creep into my head have Satan written all over it. Heavenly Father would never want me to feel those hateful feelings toward myself and toward anyone else. He is full of joy and love and that's all He wants me for me.
This past evening I was seriously being attached by Satan. I was having the hardest time getting away from it. I was calling for my Savior, it felt like every 5 minutes. I had to then take action because what I was doing would just keep the fight going back and forth. I got up out of bed, it was late but the Spirit was telling me to "get up, and go make some food!" so that's what I did. This little action of removing myself from this fight was actually me winning the fight! because I had the courage to ask my Savior what to do and was able walk away from a scary situation.
As the morning hit I woke with gratitude in my heart. He helped me get to bed safely. As the morning went on I then started to feel really down yet again. So just like I do with my Heavenly Father regularly, I had a conversation with the Devil (well more like me telling him whats up!). I told Him.. "You leave me alone I don't want you here in my home, in my room in the late hours or in any hours. And if you try to come in here again and try to take my happiness way from me, Well buddy! that wont happen, try all you want but I know I will win every time, you know why!? Because I have my Heavenly Father on my side and he will always win!!!" this little conversation i had with Satan felt so good. I was able to get me true feelings out to the one bully I felt i never could.
I know he will be back in my home I know he will be back in my head trying to convince me to give in. I have had enough of it. I don't want to give into something that will take this happiness and true love away from me. Whoever wants to take something so great does not deserve my time.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Here's My Story
I have struggled with this dark secret for many, many years. Having a sexual addiction and being a Daughter of God is something that is never talked about in the LDS religion. But in the "Ways of the World" it's accepted and welcomed. Being born and raised Mormon by wonderful loving parents, I was taught at a early age about the goodness of this life and the wonderful things this Gospel gives us. But I never knew how it worked for me, and honestly I really didn't want it to work for me then. I was a fence sitter. I would be extremely active in my addiction, and then attend all my church meetings and ward functions to please my parents, and try to hide this secret from everyone. I didn't know that what i was dealing with was that bad, i was numbed to the thought that i had a problem. In General Conference talks the General Authority would mainly speak to the men about the same issues I was struggling with, pornography & masturbation. These talks were the only talks i mainly would focus on because that was the exact nature of my wrongs. Remembering back I would wait and try to hear something about women dealing with the same thing. But i never did. I felt so alone, a Daughter of a loving God that had a sexual addiction. I had no hope, and i gave up trying.
I have never completely fell away from the church because I always in the very back of my mind knew it was true. But there were times, mainly most of the time, I would skip out on church and/or not have a calling. I could feel my spirit diminishing and Satan taking over my every thought and action.
It wasn't until i got married that my addiction was really screaming at me. I thought that, hey once i'm married the need to "use" would go away. Nope that was a lie! The want/need to use had grown even more. To the point where my marriage almost ended. I had so much brain damage from this addiction that I could not let myself be happy. So once i hit rock bottom that was when I needed to find a way out. I expressed everything to my hubby and he said its time to meet with the Bishop. As we met with him, he stated: "When you both are clean, you will be able to bring children into this world." (side note: we've been trying to have babies ever sense we were married, about 3 years at the time of the meeting.) This gave me hope that i just needed to stop using and move forward. This feeling lasted for about 2 days. Then i went right back into my addiction. Satan works harder when He see's us working or having the desire to work harder. After every time I used after meeting with that wonderful Bishop, I thought i was killing my babies, very dramatic i know, but this was a real feeling. This was the hardest thing for me to get over. I felt so selfish because i didn't want to give up something that made me feel so "content" and so "loved". I use the quotations because those feeling are not true feelings, these are feelings that Satan tricked me into beleving. This went on for about 2 months of utter despair and selfishness. That was when i realized i couldn't do this by my self i needed to talk to someone who could help me. So I took my phone and went on a drive. I Googled "LDS woman therapist" or something a long the lines of that and LDS Family Services was one of the top searches. I clicked and called right there, and set a meeting with one of the therapists for about a week out. That week went by super fast! But ya know, i was ready for some kind of help, i was ready to see if i could kick this.
The first meeting i had with my therapist, I will never forget her, her name is Kate and she told me to call her Kate The Great! She was amazing. She had a way of making me feel so comfortable and welcomed. I had never done therapy before but i was open to anything. I was desperate. I told her my whole life story and the main reason why I was there. She looked at me with the most love i have ever seen and felt from a complete stranger and told me about this LDS Addiction Recover Program and bore her testimony of how this program changes lives. She then continued saying that there's a Woman's group that is specific to what i was going through. Wait what! There are LDS women that struggle with the same exact thing i do!? this was all new to me. But i figured i would try it out, i was open for new things! The first meeting I went to i was nervous but kinda excited. I wanted to see how these addiction meetings went. I promised myself if I felt any spirit there i would know that it was the right place to be.
Sitting in the circle of Sisters testifying of the Love they feel from the Savior and how working the steps healed their hearts and brought them closer to Heavenly Father overwhelmed me with love, and most importantly Hope. I never felt hope for my addiction. This group gave me what i had been looking for. I can not express my full gratitude of this program and the love i feel every time i walk into the door of that room with those sisters. I have never wanted the love of my Savior more in my life then i do know. I need it every hour, min and sec. He has healed my heart He has made me the woman i am today and i have never been more happy, like real, ture happy. I know my Father in Heaven loves me i know i am His daughter, I know that if i ever try to wonder He will always be there waiting for me to come back to Him. I know that He gave His only Begotten Son to come to earth and Atone for MY sins. I know that I am so happy now that I am living the way He wants me to live. And I am never turning back.
I have never completely fell away from the church because I always in the very back of my mind knew it was true. But there were times, mainly most of the time, I would skip out on church and/or not have a calling. I could feel my spirit diminishing and Satan taking over my every thought and action.
It wasn't until i got married that my addiction was really screaming at me. I thought that, hey once i'm married the need to "use" would go away. Nope that was a lie! The want/need to use had grown even more. To the point where my marriage almost ended. I had so much brain damage from this addiction that I could not let myself be happy. So once i hit rock bottom that was when I needed to find a way out. I expressed everything to my hubby and he said its time to meet with the Bishop. As we met with him, he stated: "When you both are clean, you will be able to bring children into this world." (side note: we've been trying to have babies ever sense we were married, about 3 years at the time of the meeting.) This gave me hope that i just needed to stop using and move forward. This feeling lasted for about 2 days. Then i went right back into my addiction. Satan works harder when He see's us working or having the desire to work harder. After every time I used after meeting with that wonderful Bishop, I thought i was killing my babies, very dramatic i know, but this was a real feeling. This was the hardest thing for me to get over. I felt so selfish because i didn't want to give up something that made me feel so "content" and so "loved". I use the quotations because those feeling are not true feelings, these are feelings that Satan tricked me into beleving. This went on for about 2 months of utter despair and selfishness. That was when i realized i couldn't do this by my self i needed to talk to someone who could help me. So I took my phone and went on a drive. I Googled "LDS woman therapist" or something a long the lines of that and LDS Family Services was one of the top searches. I clicked and called right there, and set a meeting with one of the therapists for about a week out. That week went by super fast! But ya know, i was ready for some kind of help, i was ready to see if i could kick this.
The first meeting i had with my therapist, I will never forget her, her name is Kate and she told me to call her Kate The Great! She was amazing. She had a way of making me feel so comfortable and welcomed. I had never done therapy before but i was open to anything. I was desperate. I told her my whole life story and the main reason why I was there. She looked at me with the most love i have ever seen and felt from a complete stranger and told me about this LDS Addiction Recover Program and bore her testimony of how this program changes lives. She then continued saying that there's a Woman's group that is specific to what i was going through. Wait what! There are LDS women that struggle with the same exact thing i do!? this was all new to me. But i figured i would try it out, i was open for new things! The first meeting I went to i was nervous but kinda excited. I wanted to see how these addiction meetings went. I promised myself if I felt any spirit there i would know that it was the right place to be.
Sitting in the circle of Sisters testifying of the Love they feel from the Savior and how working the steps healed their hearts and brought them closer to Heavenly Father overwhelmed me with love, and most importantly Hope. I never felt hope for my addiction. This group gave me what i had been looking for. I can not express my full gratitude of this program and the love i feel every time i walk into the door of that room with those sisters. I have never wanted the love of my Savior more in my life then i do know. I need it every hour, min and sec. He has healed my heart He has made me the woman i am today and i have never been more happy, like real, ture happy. I know my Father in Heaven loves me i know i am His daughter, I know that if i ever try to wonder He will always be there waiting for me to come back to Him. I know that He gave His only Begotten Son to come to earth and Atone for MY sins. I know that I am so happy now that I am living the way He wants me to live. And I am never turning back.
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